Sunday, July 15, 2012


I always felt that death is far far away from me. I am still young. My family is still young. I still have a lot to do. My career is hanging midway. I have not toured Europe. I want to see my kids grow up, get married, build up their own family. I want to see my grandchildren. I still have many tonnes of uncompleted work in office waiting for me...

I became all emotional after I visited a relative whom passed away this afternoon. She laid on her bed peacefully after her defeated battle with colon cancer. She is freed from all the pain that the cancer monster gave her. It's devastating to face the whole somber situation, to face death so near yet so far. I don't know how to react, don't know what to say, don't know what could I do to ease their loss, don't know how could I help... Seeing the faces of those whom are really close to the deceased, hearing their cries, makes me afraid of death.

I realize that I am not young anymore. I have to face anything that comes anytime, even if it's an unwanted "surprise" I am totally not prepared for.

Since young after every funeral I went, I secretly prayed to god. Prayed that god will take away my living years to give my parents. Prayed that god will let me suffer any illness that my parents are going to suffer. I know it's impossible but still prayed for miracle. I always tell god, please make me the special one.

As my family grows bigger I begin to worried more. I don't want to lose Ivan. I don't wish anything to happen to my children. I wish that my parents are always there for me. I wish that my siblings and their family are well. Wish that my family's Saturdays "meetings" are forever!

I will not take family for granted. I will treasure what I have. I will treat everyday as if it's my last. I will love everyone around me. Just with a little more effort to live with no regrets.

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